oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
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Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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