Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
