Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
