There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
