and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
