What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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