Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
