I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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