I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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