I love black thongs
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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