I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
