I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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