I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My pussy is not your playground.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
