i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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