I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
