My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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