"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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