i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
