I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
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i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
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I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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