I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me