just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
