How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You need a sexual gate keeper
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
