On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
