I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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