I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
