I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
