i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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