you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
