Who wears a wallet chain?!
i think i have herpe
just one?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
