did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
