Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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