so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
