In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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