you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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