someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
