I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
