So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
