I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
