Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i think im in europe. pls send help
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
