I got chris browned last night
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
