9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
