hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
