dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
