why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Slut skills are useful in every country.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
