Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We're too hungover to prance.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
