connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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