So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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