Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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