my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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