I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
