i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
