I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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