Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
