Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
