I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
