He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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