I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I would fuck him just for his dog
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
last night I used snow as a chaser
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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