where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
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Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
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Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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