i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
