So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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