thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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