Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
